Why on earth am I crying?

I am sat in my office right now and tears are streaming down my face. The lump in my throat won't go away. My heart aches. All I want to do is blub. And I have no idea why!

Why on earth am I crying?!

Okay, so first off I didn't sleep well last night. It was hot, we had the window open all night, and I tossed and turned like crazy. I don't do very well when I've not had enough sleep, I'm grumpy and short-tempered. I find it a lot more difficult to cope with the boys when I'm tired, and to be honest all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide.

A lack of sleep could be why I'm crying.

But there's more...

It's been a heck of a few months. My family has been through a lot lately and I wonder if it's finally getting to me. After a very long battle with lung cancer we lost my father-in-law in May, it was really tough but I stayed strong for the Hubby. The trouble is that wasn't all we had to deal with. During the last few weeks of my father-in-law's life I had a letter about abnormal cells from my smear test. So not only did we have the shock and sadness of the passing of my father-in-law, we also had the stress and worry about what the abnormal cells meant. 

  • Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it. 

Hans Selye

For the most part I've kept the stress and worry to myself, the Hubby knew what was going on but no one else did. After everything I couldn't put that on others. I went for surgery, I had my cancer diagnosis, and most recently I was given the all clear after a second surgery. The shock of being told I had cancer was indescribable, I still don't know how I feel about it. And then, just as quickly, to be given the all clear, it's like it didn't even happen. I feel like a fraud saying I'm a cancer survivor even though it's true. I still have to see the consultant about follow ups but for the most part it is all over.

Am I finally letting all the stress go and that's why I'm crying?

Being a mum is hard...

Last night BP turned a simple question into a huge row, despite me trying my best to not shout. I asked a simple question and he didn't want to explain himself. This resulted in him shouting and banging his hands on the table when I wouldn't let him watch TV until he explained. I didn't think I was asking anything difficult but he turned it into a row somehow. I was perplexed. 

This morning BP got out of bed without being yelled at (phew!), but that also meant he sat watching TV until he had to rush around the house getting ready for school. When I reminded him to brush his teeth I was suddenly Evil Mum again. Just lately that's who I am. I got told the other day that he doesn't like the tone I use when I'm talking to him, it annoys him apparently. The tone I use? My regular voice. Yep, asking him to do anything at all, or even just talking to him, annoys him. Awesome. 

Then we have LP who is fast entering the tween stage. He's only 8 so I don't know why this is happening so soon but his strops are becoming more regular and he is far more expressive when he's not happy. He doesn't mind sulking. He doesn't mind telling people they're annoying him. And yes, again, by people I mean me. Because let's face it, I'm awful. I'm the one that tells him to do his chores and his homework. I'm the one that stops them playing games until the chores and homework is done. 

The washing is piling up because I just can't be bothered to tackle it. I spent 5 hours ironing the other night, and now the basket is full again and there's more to do. There's not enough coffee in the world to tackle how tired I am.

Is that why I'm crying?

To be honest it's bound to be a culmination of everything. I've been keeping it all in for such a long time that it's finally coming out and I feel ridiculous sitting here typing away with tears rolling over  my cheeks. 

But that's what we do isn't it?

As mums, the women of the household, the people who hold everything together, we push ourselves so hard, and don't give ourselves time, enough that we break. It could be that you sit and bawl your eyes out, like me, or you get hit with a bug and are ill for weeks (which often happens to me).

We all need to realise that no matter what is going on we need to make time for ourselves. We may be SuperMums but we do need time to rest, and by rest I don't mean sleeping at night because that's not enough. We need time to wind down, time to enjoy being on our own, time to just be. 

  • Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws. 

Barbara Kingsolver

The funny thing is, right now, writing this post has helped. I'm able to see that it's not just one thing that has set me off, a lot of things have happened in the past few months and my body, and mind, just can't cope with it all. My stress and worry is leaving my body in form of tears. I'm not going to try and stop it, I'm going to let it happen. Because I need it.

It could take 5 minutes, or 5 hours, but allowing myself to let go is going to make it better. Keeping the feelings in hasn't helped and it will just cause more damage if I keep it in any longer. So I'm taking this time for me. I might even have a guilt-free chocolate bar.

Staying strong for your family may be your duty but how are you going to do that if you don't take care of yourself first?

Take time for hobbies. Take time for coffee. Be you, not mum, not housekeeper, but you, the you who loves to read or do crossword puzzles. 

Leave the obligations behind and dream.

PS: the tears have stopped!