Secrets

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Secrets are a funny thing. 


We all have them.


Morgan's Milieu | Secrets: Fortress, Castle - black and white


For a very long time my secrets have been locked away in my head, hidden inside a fortress, surrounded by an unbreakable forcefield. You know the kind. It's the place you put those things you never want to remember and never want to reveal. The things you'd rather forget. However, your mind has a strange way of working and sometimes remnants of those memories can leak out.

My whole life I have learned that keeping secrets is the best way to survive. I managed to build a fortress to protect myself and always kept things hidden. By the time I met my husband it was filled with all kinds of things. Once me and the Hubby became serious I told him some of my secrets, but never details. There are just some things you can't say. We have been together for nearly ten years and in all that time he has never given me a reason to put anything into my fortress. We have two gorgeous boys and are happily married. Yet I still struggle when it comes to revealing my true thoughts and feelings. I guess I spent so long protecting myself that it's hard to let someone in, even when you trust them.

Recently I had leakage. Memory leakage. An incident caused a surprise reaction from me and I had to explain myself. The rest of the day was spent with lots of tears and lots of alcohol. I told the Hubby my secrets. It was hard and at the time I didn't think it would make anything better. The funny thing about those hidden memories is that they fester and mutate in your head. They become huge monsters that terrify you and the thought of revealing them is overwhelming.

In the end I did reveal them and at first I didn't feel better. Not at all. In fact, I felt worse. The things I'd been talking about were now fresh memories, they were all I could think about. This went on for a few days and I wasn't sure I could stand it. I felt low, I didn't want to do anything. The problem was I knew no one could help me, that was the reason I'd never revealed my secrets before. What's the point in revealing something when no one can do anything about it anyway? It's in the past. That's where it should stay.

Now things are different. My husband really knows me and now understands why certain things have a strange reaction. Life is better. I don't feel low anymore. Revealing my secrets has made me realise just how much my husband loves me and now I know I'm safe. I don't need to hide anything in that fortress. I have someone that will keep my secrets and help me get past them. It has made my life so much easier.

If you have a fortress I would recommend revealing those secrets to someone you trust. Those few days of darkness were hell and I hated every minute of it but they passed. I feel much better now and I know I can talk to my husband about anything. I feel closer to him and it's made our relationship stronger. Someone else shares my secrets and I don't have to carry them alone anymore.

Even though that fortress is strong and you think those secrets are hidden, at some point they will leak. Something or someone will trigger a memory and then comes the storm. 


Set yourself free, ease your pain. 

Clear the air. 

You will feel much better for it.



Diary of an Imperfect Mum

18 comments:

  1. Wow! Thanks for sharing, Morgan. It's great you're able to talk about your fortress freely, and let us into your life that way. I agree, secrets can consume you if kept for a very long time.

    I'm pretty much an open book. What you see with me is what you get. I do have some secrets, I'll readily admit, but none that would fester enough for me to cave to an all out confession of sorts. I pretty much blurt out whatever's on my mind. Sometimes, it gets me in trouble because I don't believe in keeping things in. But sometimes, I'm appreciated for it because I tell it the way it is.

    I love your advice at the end of your post, "Clear the air, you'll feel much better." This is soooooo true.

    I'm glad you're hitting your stride again! Great news! :D

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  2. Thanks Jack.

    I'm sooo jealous of people who find it easy to share. I've always been a very private person and often things stay in my head for years. I would love to be able to just say what I think!

    At least now I feel better. I think it is important to be able to share those things with someone, it frees you.

    Morgan x

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  3. Such a lovely post. Really made me think. I am a lot like you in that I have loads rattling around in my head and trapped in the heart. Maybe it is time to let it all out...? Thanks for posting this one.

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    1. You're welcome. I definitely recommend it. There's something special about letting someone in and it does help. Better to do it before you get the leakage and scare someone with a strange reaction like I did!

      Morgan x

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  4. Jumping up and down...

    AMEN, Sister Morgan, AMEN.

    Darn gummit, gal, if this ain't the best post I've read in a *long* time.

    Good on hubby to be a good listener and great for you on releasing your secrets.

    PS... thanks for your kind comments on my blog and for a quick insight, it took me thirteen years to share my personal secret with someone, and yeah, it's tough (but a good Napa Valley Cab helped :) and now I'm Freeeeeeeeee :)

    Just saying, folks... listen to Morgan... you got something that's hurting/bothering you... share it with a loved one.... all alone? Go to a bar and tell a stranger :)

    'Nuff said.

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    1. Thank you Mark.

      Thirteen years is a long time and I know how freeing it can be to release those secrets. The weight on your shoulders is lifted and you look at things differently.

      Just knowing someone else knows makes the world of difference.

      Morgan x

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  5. How true this is, and so lovely of you to share your personal journey. I was moved by your honesty and couldn't agree more about letting go and getting clear. Thank you.

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  6. Thank you for your kindness Wendy. I think honesty is really important. Glad you liked it.

    Morgan x

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  7. Can I ask, was your husband shocked? Sometimes I think that is the most difficult fear to overcome when you want to open up to someone - that it may change the way they see you. I'm glad you have someone you trust to talk to

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    1. To be honest no I don't think he was. There have always been certain situations in which I act differently and I think he's always suspected something. It is really difficult to be honest when you think it may change things but I think, if they love you, they'll understand. You are you because of your past, it has moulded you into the person you are today and if someone can't accept your secrets they're really saying they can't accept you. Either way, you find out something important.

      We all need someone we can trust. Having secrets wears us down and, sometimes, can get the better of us. It's always best to reveal those things that eat away at you.

      Morgan x

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  8. I thought this was a really good post, but I don't think I have the courage to reveal my secrets. Having said that, there is one person who knows just about everything and never judges me. But that is my best school friend, not my husband. I think there are some things he just doesn't need to know....are those secrets or just my past? I don't want to know all his secrets either...

    Sx

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    1. Thanks for sharing Sarah. I think it's great that you have someone who you can talk to and that's what I was trying to get at. For me, that person is the hubby. In revealing my secrets I've showed him parts of myself he didn't know about and he understands me better. He understands my reactions to things and that makes our life easier. I think there are things that husband and wife don't *need* to share, like details of relationships with ex-partners, but if it's something that has shaped you I think sharing is important.

      Each person has their own way of dealing with, or revealing, secrets. They can be shared with anyone, as long as we trust them, and saying those things that scare us can sometimes make it better.

      Morgan x

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  9. wow i think you are so much stronger than you think! i had a similar situation with my husband quite recently and i know how had this must of been. I am so so pleased you have come out the other side and things are so positive for you!

    Thanks for linking up with #magicmoments

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    1. Thanks Jaime. And you're welcome, I love #magicmoments. :)

      Morgan x

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  10. What An imperfect mum amazing post so eloquently written. I too have built that fortress and sharing with my husband has been a great relief. Thanks for linking up to Flashback Friday!

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    1. Thanks! It's always best to share, I don't know where I would be without the Hubby. xx

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  11. I completely get this!! The way I was raised meant I found it hard to let things go, unfortunately it manifested itself in to a bout of depression aged 17 and I had a rough few years. Then that became something to lock away, I clearly hadn't learned my lesson. But then when I met my OH there was just *something* that made me trust him and I told him about how crazy I was and he still loves me - who'd have thunk it?! Because of that we have made conscious decisions about how we plan to raise Oliver and let him know that he can tell us *anything* and we talk about problems, we don't hide sadness, we talk about it. Well done for talking, it's the hardest thing to do. #fbfriday

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    1. Thanks hun, it really is a hard thing to do if you grew up being told not to share feelings. I'm glad you found you OH and are teaching your children, I'm very much the same. xx

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