What Am I So Afraid Of?

Have you ever been so scared of something it stopped all of the creative juices flowing? So absolutely filled with fear that you couldn’t bring yourself to write another word? So afraid to take that next step that you couldn’t bring yourself to think of anything in a rational way? 

This is how I’ve been feeling this past week.

For those of you who read this blog you will know that last weekend I posted about a very special lady, Kerry aka Multiple Mummy, who is very ill in hospital at the moment. Again I wish her a speedy recovery and am sending healing thoughts every day. When I read about Kerry and how suddenly she became ill it made me realise that we have to take opportunities when they present themselves. I began thinking about what I wanted to do, how I wanted to proceed with my blog and my writing and if writing was what I really wanted to do. It is and I decided I would start to blog more often.

That’s when the fear hit me. You see, I’ve been a stay-at-home mum for over 8 years and in that time I haven’t done anything but be a mum. I’ve had various hobbies including doing cross stitch, sketching and reading but nothing ever felt like it could be a real job, I was just wasting time and trying not to be bored. When I started writing I thought it would be a good way to use my time and maybe I would publish something someday, it never occurred to me that it could be a real job.

Mmmm... Tea
Deciding to blog more made me wonder where any of this stuff could lead if I took it seriously enough. That’s what scared me. What if it became real and meant that I had to do real work? I’ve become quite accustomed to being able to sit on my bum and have a cup of tea whenever I feel like. I’m here for the kids when they need me but I also have time to myself when they are at school and I like it. To take the next step meant, maybe, giving all this up. 

OMG! You have no idea how much this scared me. I’ve not written one word since last Saturday because I’ve been fighting with myself. Part of me really wants all of it to be a real thing, not just something for me to mess at but the other, more lazy part of me, wants to quit. Give up everything and just sit on my bum watching daytime TV and complaining about having nothing to do. The drive I had when I was young is still there but the introvert in me is petrified of trying. 

Today I have taken that first scary step. I’m back to blogging and I’m going to try and blog more often. About what? Who knows but I’m hoping I can find interesting stuff to say and not bore everyone to death! The hubby said trying to get something off the ground is hard work, he should know… he’s done it a few times now. He also said that doing it part-time is even harder. Part-time is all I can do at the moment, I have a house and kids to look after so this is never going to be a 9-5 thing. But, if I keep at it and continue with my ramblings perhaps something will come of it all. And maybe, along the way, I will lose this fear.

Have you ever felt like this? How did you cope, what steps did you take? Did you give up? I’d love to hear from anyone who’s experienced anything like this.

1 comment

  1. Most everything these days is a challenge--full time or part time. From 8am-6pm (on average) every weekday, my mind and hands are occupied at earning a living. They'd rather be writing. The challenge exists regardless of how desperate the desire is. But we steal away an hour here, another half there, and by some miracle actually get a few things finished.

    I wish you well.