Fighting with Myself

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This week I've seen no progress again, telling the truth there's been negative progress. Every time I step on the scales in a morning I dread seeing the numbers. I am exactly where I promised myself I wouldn't get back to.
fighting, doing yoga, it's the only way to lose weight

It's depressing.

I've slipped back into a terrible routine with food. I started sneaking snacks, eating more chocolate than I should and eating far too much food. It is all entirely my own fault.

I am the one in control.

I am the one who cooks the meals. 
I am the one who dishes up the meals.

And yet I give myself too much food, eat it, and then complain about being overweight. It doesn't make any sense.

But it does.


I am the problem.



When it's not meal times I'm determined to behave myself. When I don't have to get up to go for a walk I think I need to exercise more. When the kids are at school I vow that I'll try harder to be more organised.

Time ticks on and another side of me takes control.

It's meal time and I'm hungry, I pile the food on my plate and scoff the lot. The sun is shining, there's spare time, but I can't make myself go for that walk. The kids arrive home and I'm so shattered that I just want to sit, sit and do nothing.

mmm... cake



There are two sides of me that are fighting.

It's easy to think I should try harder when I don't have to fight, when I don't have to put effort in.
The problems arise when I do have to put effort in. 

Imagine two me's


Me #1 is morbidly overweight and likes it. She loves to munch on Maccy D's, Burger King, Pizza Hut, and doesn't care that it's bad for her. She hates exercise, thinks yoga is for chumps, and her scales are gathering dust in the corner of the bathroom. She has convinced herself that she's happy because she gets to eat lots of nice food.

Me #2 is a healthy weight, I'm not talking super model, I'm talking a size 12/14. She exercises occasionally, likes yoga (the kind that pushes her, not the kind that is easy), and doesn't mind going for walks. She knows she shouldn't eat too much fast food, she restricts her chocolate, but she does allow herself to have the nice stuff sometimes.



I know which me I want to be but getting there is proving a lot harder than I thought it would. 

When I lost all my weight last year I got complacent. I was smug, and big-headed, and looking back I'm slightly ashamed of myself. The thing is I was walking 2 miles EVERY DAY, I was doing yoga regularly, I was restricting my food. I put effort in. It took a lot out of me but I was happy.

I am not happy now.

I feel fat. I feel tired. I feel lazy.

I don't want to be these things anymore. I don't want to hate what I see when I look in the mirror. 
I DO want to be able to fit into my jeans. I DO want to be able to look at myself in the mirror.

I've said it hundreds of times, but it's time to do something. It is time to cut out the crap. It is time to put in the effort. 

The only way I am going to be happy is if I do it. I know this. 

The fighting will continue, of that there's no doubt. But I'm hoping that the Me #2 is going to start winning the battles at least some of the time.

Wish me luck.

Linking to WednesdayBlogHop

The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback

Super Busy MUm

Petite Pudding

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26 comments:

  1. Aww! Bless you! I hope you win those battles. Good luck x

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  2. Healthy lifestyle is so difficult. I'm feeling similarly overwhelmed at the moment. Best of luck sticking to your goals! You're doing a great job #passthesauce

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    1. Thanks Laura, it's definitely tough when you just can't be bothered! Thanks for stopping by xx

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  3. Unfortunately I am right there with you. About six years ago I saw a picture of myself that really opened my eyes. I was able to lose almost 40 pds, and vowed that I would never let myself get to the point where I could possibly lose 40 pds ever again. Right now I'm only about 10 pds less than I was in the picture and hate it, but have a really hard time doing the things I need to do to reverse this course. #MMWBH

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    1. Life somehow gets in the way doesn't it? It's so easy to eat the doughnut or have that extra slice of cake, even when you know you shouldn't.

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  4. Ah it's such a battle. Especially at the end of the day when you're tired and hungry and all that you want is a bloody big bar of chocolates. Good luck with it, keep on going, you'll win in the end #puddinglove

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  5. Aw hun I am there too. I am #1 wanting to be #2 but quite honestly too lazy and knackered to bother. The threat of warmer weather and the need to wear less clothes is filling me with dread as I can't hide under any more cardigans or jumpers. I feel your pain!!! 🌸

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    1. Thanks Catie, although I'm sorry you feel like that it's nice to know I'm not alone! Like you said, I'm far too lazy and knackered to bother trying at the moment. Plus all the time I'm spending on blogging means I have less time for everything else. :)

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  6. Whilst you may not win every battle, I hope you win the war. It's sooooo hard! We know what we need to do, but still we eat the cake ....

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    1. MMMM cake... *wipes dribble from chin*
      ahem...

      Anyway. I hope I win the war too, thanks hun. xx

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  7. Good luck Morgan!! I love my food and although I convince myself I am being good,I still like my treats. I was in shock when I got to the gym the other day and weight myself. I have put nearly a stone on since Christmas!

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    1. Oh Claire you are my inspiration. You're so motivated with your running and I wish I could do it. Actually I know I can, it's just I don't want to! We all like our treats don't we? I think as long as you're working it off (which you do!) then you're okay. Good luck trying to lose your weight hun. xx

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  8. Take heart and be kind to yourself - there is no better time for kick starting a healthier lifestyle than Spring, because it's a time of new things and of change and the sun is even shining :) #WednesdayBlogHop

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    1. You're so right. I always wonder why people try to start healthy eating in January when the weather is still awful and all you want to do is eat pies and stew (or at least I do). I love spring, and the warmer weather and I am hoping I'll be more motivated by it. :)
      Thanks for stopping by. xx

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  9. Good luck- I know lots of people have been there (including me), and I'm sure from what you say you'll get where you want. What I find difficult is that it's a constant struggle...

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    1. That's the worst bit isn't it Louise? The constant struggle, and it is constant. As soon as you let it slip a little the weight piles back on!

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  10. I can really identify with this post lovely. I am just not good at "in moderation" and so I tend to swing between "strict regime" (not sustainable and takes over my life) and "stuff my face" which is most days as I fall easily into the trap of "well I'm going out for lunch on Sunday so there's no point cutting back now. I'll just start on Monday..." It never ends! I like the sound of your 2nd person. She sounds smart. I'd like to be like her too. Great post and I hope you can find happiness in yourself. You look lovely to me!
    Thanks for sharing with #passthesauce x

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    1. Ah bless you lovely! Thanks so much. I know what you mean about the going out thing - we're always doing that and it seems pointless trying to lose weight in order to put it all back on again! Maybe one day I'll be happy. :)

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  11. Everyone loves cake! Don't beat yourself up over it. I love to enjoy life and a huge food lover at that! Do what mkes you feel comfortable xx

    Thanks for linking up with #puddinglove

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    1. Ah thanks. I have been feeling like that a lot just lately. I'm beating myself up about my weight at the same time as putting in a lot of effort in my blog and other parts of my life. Like they say you can't have everything! I do love my food too. :)

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  12. Oh darling, totally relate, I've put on weight due to the stress of a relative being unwell over the last few months and I've just put myself last. I feel tired and big but I'm making small steps and trying to be kind to myself. I got asked if I was pregnant by a friend the other day, good job I could laugh about it but my tummy has a little bump now! I wrote a piece on my weight getting me down I'm tweet you so you don't feel so alone, we can do it babe x

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    1. Oh gosh if someone asked me if I was pregnant I'd be devastated!! I read your post and it was really inspiring, thank you. I think that's one of the biggest things though, the feeling tired. I'm tired because I'm not exercising, but I don't want to exercise because I'm tired! Vicious circle! You're right though hun, we can do it! Thanks so much. xxx

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  13. This is not something I can relate to personally just because I am one those really irritating people who eats what they like with few consequences - but I do know that finding the energy to make yourself do things you don't want to is hard. This a really well written heartfelt post and I truly hope you can get to where you feel comfortable with yourself. Just remember Rome wasn't built in a day - be positive for the good things you do! Thanks for linking up #PuddingLove

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    1. Grrr... I hate people like you!

      Haha! Not really ;) I have a sister like you too. She can eat whatever she likes and it doesn't make a difference. But for the rest of us it takes a lot of effort and restraint, it's the restraint I need to get in control right now! Thanks for stopping by hun. xx

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