The One With The Sex Video

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First of all if you're here expecting to see a sex video you're in the wrong place. There are no sex videos here!


BP is 11 years old, he turns 12 in August, and he is well and truly in the tween/teen strop stage. Whether it's me getting him up in a morning, telling him to do his homework, or asking him to do his chores the most common response I get is a grunt, or if I'm lucky a "it's so unfair!".


We have just given him an iPhone, we had an old iPhone 5S lying around (as you do) and decided that it was time for him to be upgraded from his Windows Phone. 

Up until getting his iPhone he didn't really use his phone, he would check Facebook but he wasn't attached to it 24/7. He often forgot about it, leaving it at home if we went out. 

That's all changed.


He's on his phone all the time now. 

Chatting to friends, texting, sending photos, the usual teen stuff. 

He's had the iPhone for about a month now and he has never left it behind. When we're in the car he'll be texting friends, when we're shopping he'll be checking Facebook. 




Over the past couple of weeks I've noticed a few changes in BP. He doesn't like me 'bursting' (as he calls it) into his room without knocking, that's new. He charges his phone in his bedroom overnight and I've caught him on his phone at night when we go to bed. I've told him not to use his phone so late, but he doesn't listen.

A couple of weeks ago it occurred to me that I should be checking his phone. With predators out there I don't want him being fooled by someone and... well, it doesn't bear thinking about.

I was thinking about checking his phone at night, but, as I've said, he takes it upstairs. So while we were in the car driving to the in-laws I asked him to pass me his phone.

All seemed innocent (or as innocent as you can be at that age!) until the Hubby told me to check his web history. 

If you've ever used an iPhone you'll know that the search history windows pop up (or at least they did on the 5S) and you can see, at a glance, what pages have been visited.

I opened his browser and...

Staring back at me (or rather at each other) was a naked man and woman in an embrace. 


It was a still image from a video.

I stared at the phone. 
I couldn't pull my gaze away. 

Running through my mind were things like "but this is BP's phone", "Did BP search for this?!", "Oh. My. GOD!!".

I nearly shrieked!

It took everything I had not to scream out loud.

I went quiet. 

I may have even held my breath. 

And the Hubby looked at me, puzzled. 

I showed him the phone and he...

Laughed!! 


Out loud.

He cracked up. Couldn't stop laughing.

All he could say, between his chortles, was that we'd discuss it later.



It dawned on me.

"My son has been looking at porn!"



I have never been more shocked.

I presume it's the same kind of shock a mum used to have when finding porn magazines in her son's bedroom. 

The thing is I knew this was coming. Not in the "oh yes, he does that" kind of way but I expected that, at some point, he would start to be curious about that kind of thing. I just didn't expect it yet. I mean he's 11!

Okay, nearly 12 but still.



After discussing things with the Hubby we decided to do nothing.

BP is at the stage in his life where any discussions with me or the Hubby about sex is "totally embarrassing" and he shuts down. He won't talk, and to be honest I don't know if he'll listen.

He is curious, but doesn't want input from his parents. I remember feeling just like that when I was young and there was no way I would've discussed things with my parents.

The only thing I can do, as a mum, is to stand by and keep an eye on him. I have to take a step back and let him learn, alone. His friends and peers are likely talking about it constantly and he's picking things up.

I can only hope that if he has any questions he'll come to us.



Parenting a toddler was tough, but it has nothing on parenting a tween.

Can you pass me the bourbon?

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58 comments:

  1. it's so hard isn't it? Trying to steer an appropriate line between checking and respecting privacy. Sounds like you're doing a good job!

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    1. Thanks Louise, I'm trying. It is REALLY difficult, it's like a minefield!

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  2. Oh dear - yes I have all this to come x4 - good luck! #sharethejoylinky

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  3. So my question to you now is - does he read your blog??!! Lol!

    He's at exactly the age that I remembered boys at school being interested in things like that...I don't know whether it is a good or a bad thing that it is so much easier get access to material these days - at least he's not having to pay/bribe an older male to go and get magazines for him....I suppose all you can do is hope that he doesn't come across too may unrealistic versions of events! Sounds like you are doing an amazing job though. I think you made the right choice by not embarrassing him by bringing it up....although you could discretely initiate some situations in the future whereby he over hears you or a friend joking about your husband looking at porn when he was a boy (so he doesn't feel ashamed by it) and your husband could respond by laughing and saying how he can't believe he thought that's how it really was (or something like that) to keep his expectations at the right level for when he's older lol!!! #fartglitter

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    1. Haha, no I don't think he does. 😂

      Since writing this post the Hubby has managed to have a chat to BP about "stuff", I was not allowed in the room. When they were finished the Hubby said it was a good talk and he thinks that BP actually listened, which is great. I don't think he'll come to me about this stuff but I'm hoping he knows he can if he wants to.

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  4. Hahahaha :D bless him. Bubbling hormones are ace aren't they? I'd put a safe search on I think as some of the even more innocent porn these days is a bit scary, but I certainly wouldn't worry. I have never found videos on phones - but I spy on their tumblr a little and I have found a magazine :D

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    1. Haha, yes that's probably a good idea. I wonder though, if he'd find a work around somehow?
      It's certainly a new challenge that I hadn't thought about!

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  5. Ah, I'm totally dreading this and feel so glad my son is only 2 right now! Haha. Though I have a 10 year old stepson who I'm sure is starting to know more. I think I would've reacted exactly the same and OH would've reacted the same as yours, haha. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

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    1. You've got ages before this is an issue Kaye (thankfully I bet!). BP was so innocent when he was 10, it's only been the last month or so that he's changed. I think it's all part of him being in High School! Thanks hun. x

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  6. We check the Tubblet's phone every so often for the same reason. I always worry that one day we will find stuff!

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    1. I think it's just part of growing up isn't it? And something all us parents have to get used to (not that we ever will).

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  7. Eeek! Sounds like you're doing a cracking job. I'm a bit worried about this with my son a few years down the line. I'm worried about his 'reseach' online giving him a really messed up idea about what sex should be like. Ahhhh, stress. Where's that cotton wool?

    #fartglitter

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    1. Thanks hun. Oh I know what you mean, hopefully after the talk with his dad he feels like he can talk to us about it. I say 'us' but what I mean is his dad, I don't see him asking me about this stuff. At least not yet. Yes, that cotton wool would be handy... for me though not him!!

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  8. Yikes! Porn is devastating in its effects on individuals, families and relationships. Good luck navigating the rocky waters of tween/teenage development. #twinklytuesday

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    1. Thanks Amber, it's certainly challenging.

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  9. Argh! This is scary. I have two boys - only six and three right now but I'm going to be single parenting too and this whole phase is something I try not to think about! There was a panel discussion at the Blogfest I went to (2014) about keeping kids safe online and one of the women involved (can't remember who she was now) said that she just barrelled in and insisted on watching whatever it was her son was secretly tuned to with him and giving a running commentary on how unrealistic the situations were etc. Must have been excruciating but a lesson learnt one way or the other! Thanks so much for linking up to #thetruthabout this week Morgan (I love your header by the way :-) )

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    1. It's a terrifying thing, and being a single parent it must be more so. At least you have a while before you'll have to deal with it. I'm not sure I could do that, I'd probably be more embarrassed than BP!

      Thanks Samantha, I bought it (my header) from a designer on Etsy. :)

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  10. I would definitely talk with him about it and not wait for him to come to you. He might never do that if he doesn't think it's a topic that's on the table to discuss with you.

    Pornography can be really dangerous if that's how you're learning about sex. I'd also make the new charging station in the kitchen or somewhere. Good luck - parenting is hard, isn't it?

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    1. Oh boy it is! Luckily he's had a chat with his dad now and we're (me and the Hubby) are feeling better. Now he knows he can talk if he needs to. :)

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  11. Aaaah, this is scary. I have no idea how you deal with that. I guess it's better than engaging strangers on social media, which, as you say, would be scary. At least he's only looking and any action is solitary... Good luck. Sounds like you could have some fun years ahead. Pen x #thetruthabout

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    1. Thanks Pen, yes there certainly are some fun years ahead! 😱

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  12. Ahhh! I am not looking forward to my little ones being that age.
    Truth is, I'm terrified!
    Great post, thanks for sharing this little awkward insight. :)
    Sarah xx
    whimsicalmumblings.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks Sarah, it's a tough stage in parenting but we all have to deal with it at some point. xx

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  13. YIkes! I know I have all this to come in the not too distant future. My 8 (nearly 9 ) year old had a 'serious chat' (his words) with me today because a couple of girls in his class have been teasing him and his best mate saying that other girls in the class want to go out with them. He was all 'but they're just my friends and I feel under stress.' It seems so young for him to have to be dealing with anything like this at all! Good luck with it all. Open lines of communication are key I reckon. Can you get an app that stops his ability to access porn or anything? xx

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    1. Haha bless him. I'm lucky that BP has a few friends with a good head on their shoulders and talk to him sensibly about that stuff. The Hubby spent some time talking to BP a few nights ago, I was banished from the room, but I think it was a good talk. Like you said communication is key and I understand him wanting to talk to his dad rather than me. 😀

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  14. My triplets are the same age (12 last week) and I'm quite sure they have all looked this stuff up on their phones and giggles with their friends. They also have 3 older brothers to egg them on too. I find keeping as open a line of communication going is best. I tell them real life isn't like everything they look up online and this usually starts up a discussion.

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    1. That's great, I think it's important to keep an open line of communication. Yes, I think that's an important point and I'm sure the Hubby has mentioned it. :)

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  15. It's amazing how quickly kids can start accessing things now isn't it? I guess when I was that age I just didn't have access to the internet or anything like it. But that said, I did have Jackie magazine which talked about relationships etc so perhaps there are similarities. My eldest has her own tablet and at the moment she only really uses the CBBC app but I know THE conversations will come around sooner than I think! #sharethejoy

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    1. No you're right Michelle, we didn't have access to that stuff when we were 11 and I think being able to look up stuff online certainly makes it more accessible. Like you said though, there was Jackie magazine, or Cosmopolitan which had loads of stuff in it (although not pics). Yes, that conversation is coming... 😊

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  16. I'll join you in a bourbon there hun. Oh dear I know my big lad is getting more sexually aware too. I think it is hard to put our own feelings/insecurities aside and focus on theirs... I worry more about his influence on his younger brother to be honest. Thank you for hosting 🌸

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    1. Hehe thanks Catie. Yes having younger siblings is a worry. I was concerned that BP would discuss or mention it to LP but the Hubby assures me that he won't. He thinks that BP understands and I guess I just have to trust him. 🌺

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  17. My heart started racing just reading this. I thought phones had net nanny type thing, my network has sites considered for over 18s blocked (not that I'm looking at anything saucy *cough*)

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    1. Hehe, I'm not sure how it works hun. We thought they did too but he's managed to access something. After his chat with the Hubby though hopefully he understands things a bit better. x

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  18. I still remember the horror of my parents going through my magazine and (incredibly tame!) book collection... I think you made the right choice to be low key about it, rather than make it really taboo. x #pocolo

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    1. Thanks so much Jessica, it's been tough but for us it worked best. The Hubby has a discreet talk with him a few days after this. We're definitely feeling much better about it. :)

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  19. Its so weird reading this really! I feel so different. As a kid my grandfather loves those magazine with naked girls and like I can see them and they became norm! Too norm that when I started drawing its always naked girls! Now with my son I dont know what is going to be norm. What age is he going to be interested and what should I do???? I still have time to figure it out tho. And that is what I will do mostly with my life I think.

    Lovely read! So honest. Thanks for hosting! #pocolo

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    1. Thanks so much Merlinda, I'm sure you'll find your way and like you said you've still got some time to figure it all out. Doing it your own way is that best that you can do. xx

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  20. Eek! I think you handled this so well....I have no idea what I'd do in this situation. x

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    1. Thanks Kim, I don't think any of us know until it happens! :D

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  21. Hi Morgan, I did laugh out loud when I read this. My mate caught her son peering at porn on the PC in the middle of the night when he was a young teen and didn't know what to do. It is difficult (and funny), I have an older son too and whilst I've never caught him taking a sneaky peep, he does have a thing for watching ladies wrestling (they do wear clothes, but not many). My main worry would be what kind of stuff young lads (or girls) can access on the internet.

    And I nearly choked when I read that you upgraded your sons phone to an iPhone! We have phone wars in this house, hubby and son both have iPhones. When I got my Smartphone I opted for Windows (I love my Windows phone) and our daughter asked for a smart phone for Christmas and she wanted a Windows phone and loves hers. I keep asking hubby and son when they plan to upgrade to a Windows phone!

    I think you are handling the porn thing just fine and I'm sure your son is no different to most lads out there.

    xx

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    1. Thanks Debbie, I appreciate you saying so. It's certainly a worry, the type of things they can access, but to be honest I think if you're open and honest about it all it's much easier to deal with.

      As for the iPhone, we'd been holding off for a while thinking that he wasn't quite ready. We love our iPhones and wouldn't have any other phone so it was inevitable that BP got one eventually! :)

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  22. Oh wow. My son is 11 too but still at primary school. He has an old iPhone and watches loads of videos but always downstairs. I glance at them from time to time but they're usually Nerf gun reviews, music or gaming videos so I'm not too worried yet. My daughter is 13 and would spend huge amounts of time on Instagram if we let her, it's a constant challenge. We also have a rule in our house - no phones in bedrooms after 9pm - that will definitely be continued with as he becomes a teen :-) #pocolo

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    1. The no phones in bedrooms after 9pm is a good idea! I might have to pinch that one! I think that being in High School/Secondary School is key to this transition. It's being exposed to different language from older teens and the kinds of things they might say to one another that sparks it all. :) Thanks so much for stopping by. x

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  23. My only concern here would be that not talking to him could lead him down a wrong path, i am a mother to 4 adult males and a 17 year old. All the kids browsed these sites at some point and I talked to them about it, especially when it comes to the age of the people in the porn they are watching, you really don't want him googling 'young people' and ending up watching child pornography, sorry may be too much to be saying, but my back ground is child protection

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    1. I completely understand hun and totally agree. It is something that has scared me for a long time but luckily the Hubby has spoken to him and we think we're okay with it now. Obviously we'll still keep an eye on him. xx

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  24. Oh my goodness. I have no words. I know this is a really real thing but it still doesn't make it any easier for when it actually happens to you. They are being exposed to such inappropriate stuff from such an early age these days because of the tech world we live in. I think what Christine says above about the no phones after 9pm in the bedroom is an excellent idea. Good luck lovely and thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub xx

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    1. Thanks so much Talya, it's definitely a scary thing when you realise it's actually happening. And the thing is apart from banning him from it at home what could I really do? As long as we're open and honest about it all, and he's honest with us, we'll be okay. xx

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  25. I am terrified of that phase! I'm also dreading the proper phone etiquette conversations with my kids. My five-year-old has already asked when he can get a phone. He has no one to call but grandparents, but he still wants one! I worry because he sometimes watches the iPad and he knows how to work Amazon's instant videos. I love the idea in the comments of no phones in the bedroom after 9 p.m., and kudos to you for checking your son's phone periodically.

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    1. Thanks Alison. The checking of his phone just kind of happened but we're glad we did. It may have been a shock but at least we're aware of it now.
      My youngest says he wants a phone too, he's 7. My eldest got his first phone when he was 10, just before going to Secondary School. That'll be when LP gets his phone too.
      Yes the idea of no phones in bedrooms after 9pm is great isn't it. :)

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  26. Oh dear - pouring you a bourbon know - ice? Not the reaction I guess you hoped for from hubby either. Life these days is so complicated and such a worry let alone if you're a tween. And that's even without the internet... #PoCoLo x

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    1. Yes I definitely needed that bourbon!! At least we've had a talk with him now and it's less stressful... at least for the time being. xx

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  27. Oh dear! I think I would probably be inclined to ignore something like that too, actually. I don't think you can avoid it & it's natural curiosity. It used to be magazines & videos, now they look online, but it's always happened. Funnily enough though, I AM bothered about children being over dependent on social media, so I probably will try to be quite controlling and restrictive over phone & internet use. Just not for porn, apparently. Because I'm a bit odd, clearly! I would definitely check their phones to make sure they weren't sending or receiving inappropriate pictures themselves. #PoCoLo

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    1. That was my biggest worry, sending/receiving inappropriate pictures. I knew the porn stuff would arrive eventually I just wasn't expecting it yet. It was quite a shock. But in the end we handle these things in the best way we can don't we. It's all about how we were taught about that stuff and how different we are.
      Yes the dependency on social media is a little worrying, BP isn't terrible yet. But I'll be keeping a close eye on him. :)

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  28. This is so difficult - and I know it is a moment that will come with our boys sooner or later. I think you've handled it well - the important thing is not to vilify it and let BP know that he can still talk to either or both of you and not push it underground. I bet he'll learn how to clear his search history in future though ...

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    1. Thanks Tim, that was one of my worries. I certainly don't want him thinking he's doing something wrong. It's a tough stage to deal with but I think we're doing okay. I'm hoping he won't learn about clearing his search history for a while... although I'm not holding my breath!

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  29. No way!!! I would have freaked; good on you for keeping your calm and planning your approach united with your husband. I am NOT looking forward to this stuff!! Thanks for the heads up....

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    1. Haha! I might've done had I not been in the car with LP too. I couldn't start raving about it in front of him because he's only 7, so I had to keep my cool. It's definitely a trying time, but you learn to deal. 😊

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