Time for a Change

/

/ by
When I was a teenager I never imagined that I would be a stay-at-home mum, it was one of those things that I vowed never to do. My dreams weren't huge, I learned what I would be good at and decided that I wanted to be a P.A. for a businessman who worked all over the world. I dreamed of travelling for work, having a fancy apartment with sophisticated decoration and not having to worry about money.

I got my first ever job when I was 19, I was an office junior working at a manufacturing company. I hated it. I did all the work that I considered 'rubbish', I had to open the post, do lots of photocopying and the occasional bit of typing. I spent a lot of my time hating that job, particularly when I had to man reception - having to spend all day with a headpiece on answering calls. Yep, I really hated that job. On one occasion one of the head of departments approached me about helping out in the accounts department and I was happy to be taken away from that awful reception. Whilst working for this guy on accounting stuff and doing various in depth reports I learned that that was what I really enjoyed.

I moved house later that year, to a completely different area and had to leave that job. For the next few years I found jobs, some I hated and some I loved but what I remember most about that time is when I got passed over for promotion because people thought I was too young. That hurt. I eventually found a job setting up and running an office on a building site. This has to be, by far, my favourite job. When I entered the place the 'office' was just a room with one table, a chair and a telephone. I fell pregnant with BP about a year after getting the job and when I left for maternity leave that office was a fully functioning department. It had filing cabinets full of various files, the desk had now multiplied and there were four, two with computers sitting atop. Just as I was leaving I was talking to the company about changing their entire accounting system to work better for off-site stuff and they were doing a trial of my new system. I was so proud to be able to leave that job having made a difference and I think, had I not left to have babies then I'd still be working for that company now. 

Fast forward nearly ten years and these memories seem eons ago. I have two boys who are growing fast and fighting constantly every day, I clean, put the dishwasher on and do the ironing. Unfortunately this stuff doesn't really fill that need to be proud of myself. I want to feel like I've achieved something, like I'm making a difference. 

My writing kind of fills that void, sometimes. When things are going well I'm really pleased with myself and know that this is what I'm meant to be doing but when that writer's block comes to visit I always feel deflated and question myself. I don't dream of the 'big time' when it comes to my writing, I don't want to be the next Stephanie Meyer or J.K. Rowling but I'd like to think I can write an exciting story. The one thing that holds me back is getting out of my little office at home and going out to do research, talking to people and asking questions. This is the thing I can't do anymore. After years of being at home I seem to have lost that ability to actually talk to strangers. This is part of the reason I've decided not to attend BritMums Live this year, I am absolutely terrified of being in that room with loads of people I don't know. 

For now I'm working on getting out of this stupid rut I've got myself into. Every day I make myself talk to someone new, whether that be in the school playground, at the supermarket or going out and doing real research for my book. I've been working on these stories for so long that I think it's time to stop hiding and get on with making me proud of myself again.

Is there something you've forgotten how to do? 
What are your ambitions?

Mama and More

8 comments:

  1. I have days where I dread having to talk to people, not often, but every now and then it hits me. I have to say, much as I love BritMums and all that they do, I found the last one excruciating, I came to it straight from a holiday and hadn't planned to meet anyone, in fact I hadn't been doing much blogging in the few months running up, so I felt totally overwhelmed and ended up with an anxiety related migraine for most of the weekend, I was in so much pain, the only reason I stayed was to read out my keynote at the end, because I didn't want to let the BritMums ladies down. I've always been shy, but I never realised how much being out of the working environment would cause me to take a step back in confidence. Taking it one step at a time in the way you are sounds very prudent. Thanks so much for linking up to #AllAboutYou

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, thank you for sharing that. I do admit that sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that finds this kind of thing hard, especially when people rave about what a great time they had at BritMums. BritMums Keynote? Gosh, you're braver than me! I couldn't stand up in front of all of those people and do a talk. I hate migraines, they suck. The 'one step at a time' thing is just a way for me to train myself (or maybe kid myself) to think that I can do it, even if it absolutely terrifies me. Thank you for your honesty, a lot of people find it easy to mingle and it's nice to hear I'm not the only one that struggles. xx

      Delete
  2. I have to say that writing is one of my favourite things EVER and I continue to marvel at how much I love my blog :) Like you I often find myself in a rut - hope you climb out soon! :) #AllAboutYou x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks hun. I'm getting there steadily and with half term coming up there's more chance of getting out and doing things. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. xx

      Delete
  3. Good luck with your dreams it's never too late. I always wished I could get a degree so I did just that in my late 40's.
    Think I've left it too late to join a ballet company lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey it's never too late! ;) Thank you, I think it's really important to push yourself - even if you're terrified.

      Delete
  4. Oh Morgan, that took my breath away because so much of what you have written is almost exactly where I am right now, after redundancy has me feeling shoreless and aimless and in an identity crisis, with writing as my anchor. Thank you so much for writing it and sharing it on #AllAboutYou

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Zaz, a lot of the time I can cope with who I am and it doesn't really get to me but just lately, like you, I've not been happy with myself. It helps writing about it and also knowing I'm not alone, I think we all have these times when we feel completely isolated but hearing that others are just the same makes it easier to cope with and and spurs me on to do something about it. Thanks for being so nice. xx

      Delete

Follow @ Instagram

Back to Top